EMOTIONAL DISTANCING

I am happy, but sad.

I want to die, but I don’t.

I love you, but I hate you.

I am tired, but I’m not.

I’m fine, but not really.

I can’t talk to you, but I can’t not talk to you.

The day went just like that, lockdown created more havoc in Rita’s life, she and her husband conversed only when necessary or else it happened when they fight. Every passing day of lockdown was locking them more in the four walls that they created around themselves. They were under Emotional Quarantine for many years. They had no hope or made any attempt to end this emotional lockdown that they did in their life from last 10yrs. Now they partnered with their anxiety, anger, frustration and sadness.

Many couples can surely connect somewhere in the above story. There are many couple that are struggling in their marital life. They have developed a distance that has disconnected them emotionally. The feelings have dried up and communication is minimal.  This type of distance in emotions is like a slow poison that gradually suffocates both people and may lead to succumbing of the relation. These days we all are following social distancing, scare of Covid-19 has threatened the human species badly and as a prevention we are trying to be extra cautious because LIFE is important but what if the “life in the life dies”?  emotional distancing is like that only, over a period it results in dead emotions, between two individuals living togather under the same roof. The partners refrain from expressing or sharing their feelings to each other and keep themselves isolated as they experience discomfort in company of each other. Unfortunately, if no efforts are made to pacify it, the gap intensifies as both partners become more critical for each other. They may respond in a resentful way that can be expressed either verbally or non- verbally making the other feel inadequate and distressed. This cycle of negative expression keeps worsening the relationship leading to a damage beyond repair.

A marriage is not only union of two people but also a blend of two unique personalities. Wherein each partner has his/her own set of expectations, priorities, fears and insecurities. Probably their upbringing has given them their unique perspectives too. Emotional distancing crops in when a married couple fails to appreciate the individual existence and personal space of each other. They tend to overpower each other with a presumptive authority. Marriage is not a relationship but a bond. The two people not only have to partner at physical and financial level but also with their imperfection and differences. The irony is that this difference will always remain. Instead of sulking and complaining, appreciate the imperfection of your partner. Compliment the uniqueness with love and maturity.

Just like a sapling, a relationship needs nurturing. Trust, care, sharing and respect are the four essential requirements for this seedling to blossom into a beautiful plant. Like a gardener, both partner have to regularly put the four ingredients (trust, care, sharing and respect) in it to strengthen its roots and make a firm grounding. A miss in any of the ingredient can shoot it into a dry thorny bush. Like for e.g., a rose plant blossoms with its thorns, both coexist.  Similarly, in a relationship conflicts and disagreements are like thorns. These spikes will always remain, a careful and gentle handling is required. Never let them prick your relationship.  

Exchange of thoughts and feelings is a prerequisite of a relationship. Communication is like a fertiliser. Without fertiliser, plants growth gets stunted. For any relationship to flourish it is important to communicate. Lack of communication or negative communication can bring insecurity and instability in a relation. For a healthy communication the “Rule of 80-20%” should be followed. According to it, in a healthy communication, the negative or directional discussion should form only 20% of the discussion and 80% of communication should be positive or neutral between the partners. Life is too short to crib, make it beautiful for each other and don’t let your ego’s steal the splendour of your bonding.

Remove the barriers that you have created to emotionally quarantine yourself from your partner. It gives happiness to none , so take a step forward and shed the inhibitions that are holding you back from enjoying the company of your partner. In the time of social distancing, let’s redefine the brighter side ofCorona i.e., Create Opportunities and Redefine Optimism to Nurture Affection in a Relationship.