” We may have our difference, but nothing is more important than family”. – Coco
It was 3 am in the morning, and Drishti was still awake. It has become a regular cycle for the last few months. She had disturbed sleep and had heaviness in her head probably due to inadequate sleep. Her mind was constantly working, and she had racing thoughts that were disturbing.“It is never enough” was the nutshell of her thoughts. Drishti was married for 26 years and was in a joint family from the start of her married life. All has been good in the family, socially, and financially. Drishti was also working part-time. Her family was always her priority, and she tried her best to manage and maintain the family ties. Though all appeared good at home she could sense the gaps that were widening with time. The coldness was coming from family ties between elders and her. She always thought that life and relations become smooth and better with close ones because with time we can understand and process the habits and personalities of family members and accept and adjust accordingly. Also, the family can perceive the righteousness of the new member with time. But it was only her belief, she did not realize that it is never one way but rather a two-way approach. The complexities were increasing with every passing day. They failed to understand the challenges that she was facing as an individual and her foresight for the future. Every passing day was making her realize that ‘what you hear; what you see; what you believe are three different perspectives and that is somewhere one must accept; denial or non-acceptance of it only create conflicts of thoughts and perspectives. It was like walking on the ropeway every time and maintaining a balance is a challenge. She felt that life is like a sea and like a shark she must constantly move for survival similarly she was struggling with herself and the situations to put her point of view and to take a stand for it. Though it was stealing away her peace of mind.
We all have heard that life is never smooth, it is like a complex web where emotions and relationships are entangled, and one is constantly spinning around and in it. It is all about managing and sorting the relationships. A skill that one keeps on learning with different life situations and evolves constantly with one’s own experiences, thoughts, values, and core beliefs, watching different shades of life and enriching themselves in their unique ways. The foundation of any association/ relationship is based on the pillars of expectations, understanding, empathy, love, trust, and care. One must contribute equally to all, to create healthy and fulfilling bonding’s. But unfortunately, we tend to rely more on one pillar i.e., expectations (that are unexpressed and may be misunderstood), and based on it we create benchmarks to judge our dear ones. Expectations fulfillment becomes the criteria to decide the strength and bonding that may also be bounded situational, else there are high chances that relations may eventually lose the sheen of it. The imbalance in the pillars of life over a period of time starts suffocating it with frustration, anger, sadness, disappointments, fear, insecurity, and negativity to name a few emotions. Also, ignorance of other pillars of relationships may also reflect (lack of empathy and understanding) bitterness and coldness in relations. Drishti was facing a similar situation, the unexpressed desires of others and voicing her thoughts were creating ripples in the family.
Unlike Drishti, many of us can put ourselves in similar shoes where one feels that even after the best of efforts there is dispassion in relationships and feelings are vague. The only sentence that speaks it all is “it is never enough”. But the question is why even after taking care of all responsibilities in best possible way and with due respect still these feelings develop; why the boundaries are so rigid; the new perspectives not accepted; creates self-doubt in the other person making him/ her insecure and diluting all the expressions of sincerity and bonding. It is difficult to answer this question but probably our own self centred approach is one of the biggest blocks. The inhibitions are obvious on both sides but with time one should grow out of it and mature in their actions and words. A reciprocation of thankfulness and compassion should gradually be adopted and be a part of life. Looking beyond one’s own doubts and fears is the key to healthy and happy associations. Our perceptions should not be the reflection of our ego’s, relationships should be over and above them. Assuming things to happen can create grudges and steal away our peace of mind and maybe the essence of our precious relationships. Empathy, open communication with discussions, mutual respect, and space for each other can strengthen bonding and stability. They are priceless possessions and to be nurtured with selfless devotion, trust, honesty, and compassion.
If you want a healthy relationship you need to have uncomfortable conversations. – Karen Salmansohn
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